TRY.LEY > NEEDS
I got hit hard with the anxiety stick yesterday. I needed to calm my mind enough the take a nap so I repeated these affirmations until I fell asleep.
I first learned the power of affirmations from @heytiffanyroe, a licensed therapist and CEO of Mindful Counseling. It took some work to find what thoughts would stick. I played around with a few variations of these ideas until I found the one that pierced. It felt scary and I maybe got a little defensive about it.
I didn't sleep well Thursday night. I actually went to work a few hours late so I could get some more rest. The whole day S-U-C-K-E-D and by the end of work I knew I needed more sleep. My drive home gave me too much time to think and tears started flowing.
You see, I recently ended an unhealthy relationship. It was really my first official relationship and my first official breakup and it's been so hard. I was fine with it at first because I knew it needed to end. I was not getting what I needed physically, mentally, or emotionally, I felt like I was begging for the smallest amount of love and affection and the majority of the time, it wouldn't be delivered. It was often met with complaints or if I did get it, it was a minimum effort. It was exhausting to have to beg all the time. It wasn't always like that. I had moved my life from Charleston to Tulsa for this guy because he was sweet and kind and I felt like there could be a future. Once I got to Tulsa, things were different and I felt so alone. I was honestly relieved to have ended it. But since then, I have felt guilty for hurting him. I have felt inadequate for not being able to have earned his love and affection. I have felt anger that my heart and the love I possess was taken advantage of. And lately I have had to do something really hard and admit that I was hurt by someone I really loved.
Somewhere along the way in my life I have engrained these thoughts of what I do and don't deserve. I'm slowly discovering them and I'm TR-YYY-ING to work though them. The pain I felt yesterday came from thoughts like, I didn't deserve to grieve and mourn an unhealthy relationship. I'd stayed in it. I'd allowed the behavior. It also crept up on me that I don't deserve or I am not worth being taken care of. I had always put my relationship and my man first. He deals with some hefty challenges in life; he needed support and I gave it. I thought I was being selfless in my kindness and supportiveness but I think maybe on some level it also served as an excuse for me to not take care of myself. To not do the mental work that I'm now having to do to convince myself that I deserve to have my needs met. That I'm not unreasonable for needing love and undivided attention from people in my life. It's okay for me to need validation and to feel secure in my relationships. And here's a big one, that those needs are worth defending.
I feel so alone and beside myself in fighting for these needs. I'm still living in Tulsa (for one more week!) And I don't have the support system here to turn to for help. I feel limited and honestly overbearing in asking for help from people who aren't involved in my daily life (haha, so everyone) and it feels like a daunting task that I have to show up for myself and to take care of myself. I don't feel strong enough. I feel too needy, even for myself.
As I went home and laid down to get some more rest yesterday, I was scrolling through Netflix to find something to fall asleep to. I don't totally know why I do that, I know I hardly get sleep with a show on. I caught myself doing it and I thought, “that is not what I need. I need sleep and I am going to create an environment which I can actually rest.” The anxiety of not being enough and not being worthy of having my needs met had my mind reeling and I had to calm that down. I put a shirt over my eyes to block the light and I repeated those affirmations over and over again. I think even once I was asleep the thoughts kept replaying.
Unfortunately, that wasn't the end of my anxiety yesterday but here are a few things that actually helped me calm down:
Putting some essential oils in my diffuser
Turning on some soft piano music (click here for my playlist)
Letting myself explore and express thoughts that we're upsetting me
Reaching out to my mom, telling her what I was feeling and what I needed
Yoga
Doing something creative
I'm not an expert here. I'm figuring it out. I am moving back to Charleston next week and I know that these challenges and struggles aren't just going to go away. Charleston has been a place of healing for me before and I'm h-o-p-i-n-g it can be that again now. These last few months in Tulsa have been lonely and draining and scary. It was easier for me to be a missionary than it was to walk this path. It been a really hard way for me to learn: I'm worth it. I am worth loving and I am worth taking care of. I needed to know that. I've been so FRUSTRATED by feeling like other people didn't know it or they haven't seen it, but it's me. I didn't know that. And now that I do, I can better advocate for myself and my needs. I'm terrified. But I'm going to try.